January 08, 2021
When I was a little girl, I loved to play “house”, you know where you have a baby doll or two and you pretend that you are head of the household. So if you were like me, I was mom and dad. I would have conversations in my head that I thought a mom and dad would have. It was a rather quiet game for me and I especially being a caregiver.
When I was a little girl, I thought my mom had the best job in the world. In school, when teachers would ask “what do you want to be when you grow up?” my answer was always “a mom.” She was (and still is) my hero.
Well that little girl grew up and got that dream job.
Turns out, that job looks a little different than I had it all planned out in my head.
I am playing a real life version of house.
When I have my babies, I am mom and dad.
I will be honest, there were so many nights I would sit and cry and think about how this is just not how it was supposed to look. I would be angry that this was my motherhood. Then I realized that this is my motherhood and this is is exactly how I am meant to march through it. Sure it is hard at times. Single motherhood is hard. Fuck, motherhood is hard.
At the end of the day, I have twice the dishes, twice the diapers, twice the laundry and my kids eat mac and cheese twice in one day but I don’t have twice the man power to navigate it all. What I do have is twice the love, twice the hugs, and twice the snuggles all to myself.
I wake up and wrangle two babies under the age of two from sunrise to sunset, clean and reset the house, work for a few hours, go to bed, and then do it all over again the next day. My motherhood is mine and when I allowed myself to be okay not thinking it was the wrong way, I felt empowered. I got a house, I bought power tools, I googled it, and I built a cozy home.
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